I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.