i- i did not expect this
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
is this how new cars are made??
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away