“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.