No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me