I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
my retirement plan is braless
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!