Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.