Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol