You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Said the murderer.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
So the ex texted me
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.