There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
this is the greatest thing ever