I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Customize Your Wedding.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion