“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
good let them take over I have had enough
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!