I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Covid like
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it