[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day