Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
saving face 👀
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me