Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once