Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.