if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !