Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Breaking news:
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
True
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again