“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
That was easy.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false