doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.