Pandas 🐼🖤
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!