If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Genius idea!!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Optional boss fight.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*mops up wine with cat*
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
he’s doing your taxes
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?