Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Why are bridges so flammable.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.