Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
real
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”