The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.