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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*seductively eats two tums*
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Why does body wash have directions, it鈥檚 literally the name
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I鈥檓 not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I鈥橫 STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON鈥橳 YOU LOVE MEEE?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It鈥檚 a yes from me, pal.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Alexa, set the neighbor鈥檚 fire alarms for 3am.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there鈥檚 no reason to get angry.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot