Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles