*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Smile they said.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?