Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
You got this…