*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no