I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”