I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Girl, same.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her