The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Challenge accepted.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.