it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.