angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
You Might Also Like
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body