If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
What even happened today?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
@ candidates for local office
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.