Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Cannot stop laughing at this
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie