me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
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me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.