The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
“That’s what” – She