Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
A man of commitment.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “