DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
never ask a starfish for directions
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
welp
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.