Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint