Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Every work call, he judges.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.