My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
WTF
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks