Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.