Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
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Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-