I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰