The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
You Might Also Like
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.