Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.