There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter